Okay a LOT happened over the last while WOW.
My parents relationship almost fell apart 3 months ago, we woke up to SWAT at our house and my sibling being arrested 2ish months ago, Morti and I broke up (amicably and were still super close and maybe intend to get back together when were healthier so??), my job is turning hostile for some fucking reason, artfihgt prep + start has KILLED ME SO BAD, i got EVEN MORE TRANSGENDER AND GAY somehow, everything is so fucked lately and I'm literally doing nothing lol.
I dont rlly know what to say besides shits fucked rn. I dont know shit from ass and my mental health is in the TRENCHES right now. Has been ever since the parent issue reveal but ESPECIALLY since the SWAT raid im so fucking pissed off. I havent been sleeping right ever since im either sleeping way too little or way too much and nightmares are forever waht the fuck ever man. And now I'm (and my parents) are having to spend huge moneys and do some shit to the house thats been feeling like WERE getting punished because my stupid fucking sibling wont use their fucking rbain what EVER. I've been in the pits of heavy escapism (thank u HLVRAI/HLAGE/HL2VRAI+ HLVRV/Y2KVR fandom for like the 78435987th time. all combined into a big slushie in my brain im sooo normal again oh my godddddd) and drawing like CRAZY again. It's so weird that everyone in my life is acting so.normal. despite everything thats happening, including myself. I feel crazy, like im rotting w everything thats been happening. I feel like I dont rlly have anyone I can lean on emotionally w everything rn and that SUCKS. Im so sick of everything and everything makes me nauseous and im so worried about everyone and myself...
Fun thing tho im almost 4 and a half months on testosterone!!!!!! And im finally starting to see some nice changes!! My voice is already considerably deeper (Ive had multiple people around me mention it now) + seeing some minor facial hair so far + some more stuff I kinda dont wanna get into in a public website. THIS IS SO AWESOME THO ive been consistantly less depressed/suicidal and moody in general and I think its been the main thing keeping me sane thru these very... VERY... trying times rn. Also been eating a LOT. like a LOOOOOOT. I wont be suprised if I'm starting to put on weight for the first time finally in like 6 fucking years THANK GOOOOOD.
Artfight has been going well too! I've been attacked like 20 fucking times already and my ratio is in the DIRT. works been kicking my ass soooo bad that its hard to find the time/energy to properly sit down and draw. I rlly rlly wanna revenge people but getting out peices of same/similar quality is gonna be impossible and i feel bad not matching effort... whateverrrr whatEVERRR ill draw what i want to/feel like!!!!!!! its ARTFIHGT!!!!!!!!!! it absolutely did motivate me to make like so many clean ass ref sheets tho im VERY proud of myself holy shit. holy shit
Also thanks to my escapism hell rn im rlly delving into being more socially in my fandom space, HLVRV is so small compared to anything anywhere I;ve been in that its been SIGNIFIGANTLY less intimidating to talk to people... everyones so niceys and chill and hypes me up so muuch,,, its been so delicious and much needed lately hehe... I rlly wanna befriend people here for realsies but im.so nervous and awkward with people I dont know. I DONT KNOW WHEN ITS ACCEPTABLE TO REACHI hate being an extrovert but autistic and shy and anxious and SCARED.... wauuugh.. i love u my new oomfs and moots ur all socool and auauhfjg.... whateverrr whateverrr
I hope by my next time i remember i can write il have more stable things to write. I've had some insane fucking crazy ups and downs this past while and I'm so over it. I rlly hope things just like. go back to normal. they absolutely wont there is no normal after everything rn. I guess I'm just hopeful anyways. IDK