Journaltime yay
The past couple months have been... A bit stabler compared to my last journal and thats nice. Everything has mostly calmed down for better or worse, though I have had some recent ass events come up too so I felt like writing before I forget.
Yesterday was my birthday!! I turned 23 and it was a relatively peaceful day!! layed in bed for like forever, called Ver a bit, went to dinner w my family and had 2TWO margaritas, came home and drank more w Ver and hung out doing random bullshit until we decided to do an awesome freaking sleepover on call. It was nice, i missed being able to hang out and do nothing. My grandma was supposed to come down today for an at-home celebration since she couldn't yesterday(+ since brother couldn't come with us because of the nefarious house arrest) but she's sick currently so it'll be next week! ^-^
I'm a bit over 6 months on hrt now, starting to experience some greater changes now too! More facial hair, more deepening voice, feeling a bit more confident and sociable too lately, especially at work. Very nice!
LoZ OoT remake looks fucking FANTASTICCCC UAUUUGH... will 100% be getting that shit DAY 1 and itll be probably the first time im actually capable of finishing OoT... ive wanted to for so long but the ogs controls r just so jank i CANT DO IT ive tried so many times.. Ive watched so many videos on it that i might as well have already played the damn game like 20 times over second-handedly already but FAWWWKKK IM PLAYING THAT SHIT. FOR MYSELF. FINALLYYYYY YEAAASSS.....
AND AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME NEWS!!!! IM GONNA BE GOING TO MY FIRST EVER "MY CHOICE MY PURCHASE MY EVENT" CONCERT SOON!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! i purposely wanted my first one to be smthn i did actually wanna go to bigly!!! and its gonna be the fucking LIVING TOMBSTONE!!!!!! IN OCTOBER!!!! THEYR HERE!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!! trying to get vacation approved even if it was kindof.... short notice i hope itll be approved........ and hopefully i can stay over at my uncle&aunts that night since its a few hours away........ HEHHEHHEHHE...... i gotta get myself an awesome outfit auughhg auughh.. ver was saying he felt underdressed at the showing they went to soooo i wanna up my game.... my fits r kindof lame i GOTTAAA get cooler..... holy fuck im so excited its not even funny.
I've been having some... symptoms I've ignored or managed my whole like resurging this whole year like crazy to the point where it's become very obvious now. I don't rlly wanna acknowlwdge the huge huge possibility of being a system its fucking SCARY dude auugh. Literally everything inmy life since fucking childhood as far back as i remember points to me being some fucking kind of DID or OSDD system, unsure of alot of the differences between them and its sub-types but thatd require me digging for info and im SCARED. I rlly rlly don't want to be one of multiple in my head but theres a LOT of things in my life that only make (a lot of) sense if examined in the context of systemhood and I rlly dont know what to do about that. I deadass feell like i (as i know myself rn) only started existing sometime mid-pandemic, somewhere between 2020-2022 im unsure.
I think my main issues with the possibility are (1) its scary and i dont wanna deal w it. i dont wanna have to share even if ive been doing so this whole time. and (2) NO ONE HAS SAID. ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT AT ALL. MY WHOLE LIFE. no matter how inconsistant and fucking weird i know im appearing to people even if i dont remember it/there in the moment which is SO STRANGE. tbf if i am plural than like. im fronting 90% percent of the time. rarely ever not fronting. co-con often sounds right for how fucking weird my experiences are especially as of late. but ive been like this like literally as far as i can remember so like???? has no one noticed naything except me???? or are they just not telling me. thats scary. why the fuck would someone keep that big a secret from me. i need to talk w my Therapist abt it so bad but im SCARED. SCARED of being wrong ig. even tho its obvious IDK. IM OVERSHAREING HERE.WHATEVER. and (3) im scared of how much of my toyhouse actually belongs to other headmates(?). cause like theres ones I personally care less about. but I know for a FACT that others care about others more. Fucking christ some of my sonas might not even be my own. If i am plural, i know I at least got an Altair and a Soalce in here and ive been using their likeness as myself sometimes. or maybe that was them at the time maybe too? IDK. i feel so hazy and everytime i try to think about it a lil deeper i get CRAZIEST headaches and the feeling of TERRIBLE DREAD AND DESPAIR whatever man. WHATEVER.
Ive also been spending a LOT of money lately, some purchases i dont even fully remember, and not on the things I actually should be spending on. I have a computer (+computer related things) to buy and hrt/appointments to pay forrrr, I rlly dont need to be buying so many toyhouse things rn... I rlly gotta lock back into drawing stuff myself so I feel the urge to buy things less, it's just so freaking fun to see my things in other peoples styles aooough... but i rlly should calm down. I rlly have to. I set up a monthly limit againin hopes I'll actually listen to it this time tho!
I have definitly been having some skin issues as well lately, i seem to have gotten myself some folliculitis thanks to growing like 3 times the amount of hair on my body rn. NOT FUN WHEN YOU HAVE DERMATILLOMANIA.... 0/10 WOULD NOT RECCOMEND... I rlly don;t wanna haveto go to a doctor about this like at all since my skin is so picked out and scarred. its fucking embarrassing. trying home methods of fixing this before anything, I'm just hoping i dont have to go somewhere n get meds. Hoping they dont tell me to stop my t i will kill myself for real if they make me go off t.
kINDOF RELATED TO THE CONCERT THING... I rlly rlly wanted to go to the Two Door Cinema Club's 20th anniversary of Tourist Hostory concert tour,,, but it's unfortunately just not gonna pan out :< I rlly rlly tried to get me and Morti to go to it together since this album means SO MUCH to both of us like CRAZY but its... not gonna work. the prive/drive/overnight to DC woulda been worth it if theyd been able to come down too but without him its just not... esp w how long the drive is and not being able to go with anyone since my mom doesnt wanna go (and my fucking brother CANT. I NEED TO KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER. GENUINELY THE WORST FUCKING YEAR FOR THIS TO HAPPEN OH MY GOD IM BLOWING HIM UP WITH MY MINDDDDD...) and i dont rlly know anyone locally. It fucking sucks, it sucks so bad cause this album does mean the world to me, this concert wouldve also been a PERFECT first concert, but its just not feasible rn. fuck. Maybe for the 20th anniversary...😠ITS A-OKAY THO BECAUSE THE FUCKING LIVING TOMBSTONE IS GONNA BE HERE..... HERE.... AHHH!!!!!!!!!!
and god. ive been trying my hardest not to think about morti and is relationship and how much i miss him. my mind has been wandering to him alot lately and having dreams and it does nothing but make me feel so guilty and yearnful. its fucking stupid. im NOT in a healthy enough space where i should be considering any kind of romantic relationship rn. im rlly just not. but fuck i miss him. i miss the closeness and the comfort and the love and it hurts alot lately. its only been a handful of months since we split but man its been hurting alot lately. i hope they cant tell. i rlly hope but i know i get weird and avoidy and dissociative when im socially uncomfortable so i wouldnt be suprised if they did. tho tbf ive also been busy in general rn so its not too crazy to think that maybe im just inactive lately. idk. i feel like. im crushing bad again but with this huge fucking elephant in the room that is that were exes. i hope they dont read this entry. or if he does then i hope its not read this far down. idk. auugh im a mess.
So everythings kinda normalish KINDA. KINDA. im going thru it but the immediate situations that have been plauging my family this year r kinda calming down. I hope the rest of this year is calmtoo but i know in saying that it runs the risk of cursing us forever. fuck man